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Are You Married to a Narcissist | Voted “Best of the Valley”

Posted on : March 10, 2016, By:  Christopher Hildebrand
Are You Married to a Narcissist

Are You Married to a Narcissist

Are You Married to a Narcissist?

Are You Married to a Narcissist?

You may think of a narcissist as someone who is vain and full of himself, someone who talks a lot about himself and his accomplishments, but that’s only scratching the surface. When you are married to someone suffering from this personality disorder, your life swings out of control fast. In the well-known Greek myth, Narcissus is the handsome and self-involved young man who falls in love with his own reflection in the river and is trapped there forever, gazing in awe at his own beauty. While it is true that most narcissists are male, an extremely handsome spouse isn’t necessarily a narcissist, nor does a narcissist need to be good looking. Too mental health professionals, a narcissist is someone with a personality disorder that requires a constant focus on himself. Narcissism precludes empathy and ruins relationships, with debilitating effects to all involved. Given a narcissist’s constant focus is on themselves, you may think he or she is supremely self-confident, but this is far from the truth.

A narcissist carries such deep feelings of insecurity that, in order to cover this self, they create another, idealized self-image of themselves as an exceptional person, better, more intelligent and more interesting than others. It is this false self-image that he or she revolves around to the exclusion of everyone else. If your spouse is a narcissist, you are likely to grow increasingly unhappy the longer you stay together. Your narcissist spouse is incapable of true intimacy and will not spend much energy – if any — meeting your needs. You may find yourself used and manipulated to meet their needs. Once they do not need you any longer, they may leave you or withdraw from you without a backward glance.

Hildebrand Law, PC | Voted Best of Our Valley in Arizona Foothills Magazine.

Hildebrand Law, PC | Voted Best of Our Valley in Arizona Foothills Magazine.

Determine if You are Married to an Actual Narcissist

How can you tell whether your spouse is just an insensitive, self-centered guy or gal, or whether he or she is a pathological narcissist? Here are some traits that tell the tale. Their only topic of conversation: me, me, me. A narcissist has no trouble espousing about themselves and their lives for hours on end, but they will find it difficult to focus on your interests for very long. You’ll find it difficult to wedge your thoughts into a “conversation” with him or her, and if you do manage to say something, he or she is likely to ignore or correct you.

A narcissist has an exaggerated sense of self-importance, bordering on grandiosity. They truly believe that other people in their sphere – like you — cannot have a life worth living without them. That means that they simply cannot tune into or value your feelings or those of your kids. They use external props to establish their superiority. Everyone enjoys driving a new car or carrying the latest iPhone, but a narcissist is obsessed with amassing these props to make himself or herself look good to others.

They believe the property they own, degrees they hold, places they have visited and the people they claim as acquaintances give them the elevated status they crave. Because they have a sports car, or knows Bill Gates, or graduated from an Ivy League school,  they are better than you and, indeed, better than anyone else. This, in turn, gives him or her a sense of entitlement – to him or her, it’s only normal that you and everyone else caters to their whims. This seems so much the natural order of their constructed universe that they never consider giving back.

Jennifer, thank you for being my attorney. I could not have been more pleased with the outcome of my family court hearing. Everything you have done for me throughout this case reflects in the final ruling of the judge. You helped me keep my head together and taught me a lot about myself as a person. I learned so much about my life from observing and listening to you. I will take all the advice you gave me to continue taking responsibility for my choices, continue to put the kids' needs first, and always stay truthful. Your diligence, dedication, and persistence in my case made what seemed impossible, possible. You are a wonderful person and an amazing attorney and I am stronger and more confident because of you.
A Google User
A Google User
20:31 20 Sep 17
I just want to again thank the Firm for working with me all that it has. I could not have done anything without everyone's assistance. You, Chris and Stacey have been and continue to provide me with compassion and hard work towards my case. Also a very special thanks to Kip for taking my case in the beginning. Also continued support from him and his dedication to providing me with his expertise in this matter.
A Google User
A Google User
21:41 07 Nov 17
After interviewing several law firms, I came across Jennifer Shick, and her firm, who I hired to represent me for my Family Court case. Jennifer has extensive knowledge of the law and is determined to bring the truth to every issue involved within the case. Throughout my case, Jennifer was prepared meticulously as well as went above and beyond all of my expectations. Even when the other party tried to differ from the truth, lie to the Judge, and turn situations around, Jennifer remained attentive and provided substantial evidence to show the judge the facts as well as the proof to support what was the best interests of my children. Additionally, Jennifer helped me endure many difficult experiences, situations and inspired me to remain positive throughout the entirety of my case. Her kindness, compassion, and professionalism helped me through very difficult times and made the process feel a thousand times lighter on my shoulders. She truly has my children and my best interest at heart and I trust her perspective as well as her honesty on each and every aspect of my case. She lessened the burden on my shoulders and even when I felt like the case was not going to go in my favor, Jennifer was open-minded and reassured me that the Judge would, in fact, see the truth, which he did and the case went in my favor. After nine months of court, everything finally came together. I cannot declare how much Jennifer has been an outstanding attorney. She addressed each and every issue with diligence, she cares about her clients and their families. Jennifer genuinely cares about her clients and her dedication to the details of the case was remarkable. Overall, I am extremely pleased with Jennifer’s services and I am truly thankful that I was so blessed to have her represent my children and me. I highly recommend Jennifer as one of the best attorneys in Arizona and if the situation ever arises, I will definitely have her represent my children and me again.
Google User
Google User
14:58 04 Oct 17
Dear Stacey and Kip, How can I ever thank you enough for helping me through the most difficult time in my life? I couldn't put into words my heartfelt gratefulness. You both were so compassionate and professional at every given moment throughout this process with me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You helped me to regain my freedom.
A Google User
A Google User
16:03 22 Nov 17
I was a client of Attorney Kevin Park for the dissolution of a divorce in 2016. And since I had never had the need to hire an attorney before for any purpose, I was somewhat apprehensive of the process. But the very calm and professional demeanor of Mr. Park eased my fears. He adeptly answered all my questions and I clearly knew the process and what to expect. And the skilled manner he communicated with opposing counsel was perfect. When it came down to negotiating with my spouse’s counsel, I knew I had selected the best attorney for my situation. What I noticed and appreciated was that he was using just the right amount of pressure with opposing counsel as was necessary. If you find yourself in this situation, you will want a seasoned professional like Mr. Park on your side. I'm very grateful that he was my attorney and not the opposition!
A Google User
A Google User
22:14 28 Jun 17
Chris is a smart and aggressive attorney for his clients. Chris always tries to reach a fair settlement of his cases. I’ve represented clients when Chris was the opposing counsel and while he is professional and amicable to work with, he does not back off on what he needs to do for his client
A Google User
A Google User
18:16 18 Sep 17
Kevin Park of Arizona Estate Planning Attorneys was just what I needed for my divorce. He was very approachable and personable. He was quick to recognize what I needed and provided it quickly and efficiently. I hope to never need a divorce lawyer again, but if I know anyone else who does, I will definitely recommend Kevin.
A Google User
A Google User
19:22 23 Aug 17
I feel that Tracey Van Wickler is certainly one of the best family lawyers around. She is logical, intelligent, and truly cares. Tracey always does what is in the clients best interest, does it well, timely and with integrity. She is good at keeping her clients informed as to what is going on and clear in her communication both written and verbally. I have recommended Tracey to other people and will continue to recommend her. I recommended Tracey to someone who was having issues with their ex-wife and his response was, “I know how good she is because I went up against her and she ate me for lunch”. This same person was so impressed with her, he even recommended her to someone else, WOW, that is impressive! I am exceptionally happy with her attention to detail, her ability to explain things in ways that are easy to understand, as well as her ability to keep everyone focused on the most important things. I would recommend Tracey to anyone who may be in need of her services.
A Google User
A Google User
17:44 23 Jun 16
I retained Hildebrand Law after interview a number of firms in the valley. Working with Michael C. was incredibly easy and informative. My case progressed in such a organized and thought out way to ensure that my needs were met. Michael was incredibly proactive and was able to see far ahead into my case to steer clear of some roadblocks. I would not hesitate to recommend Michael Clancy, and Hildebrand Law in general, to anyone.
Bassam Ziadeh
Bassam Ziadeh
21:20 02 Apr 18
I have worked with Hildebrand law for about 8 years. They are always ready to serve, provide guidance and give you a few options. When they provide you options they also take the time to walk you through the pros and cons of each and give you a recommendation of what is best, but will listen to you and support whatever course you choose after making and educated choice. I’d recommend them to my closest friends and feel Chris Hildebrand is now a friend to me.
Larry Flint
Larry Flint
21:53 27 Feb 18
Despite the unfortunate situation I found myself in, Chris Hildebrand @ Hildebrand Law helped me maneuver every step with professionalism, expertise, and even a sensitivity that was an added bonus.Chris and his staff helped me even when I didn't know I needed the help. In other words. . . they made sure we did not leave anything undone. And in the rare instance we needed the expertise of another professional, Chris knew exactly who to recommend.Chris also knew, because of his experience, what to anticipate down the road of litigation. That meant we were better prepared to meet the challenges head on, which lead to a more equitable and fair outcome. I appreciated that Chris did his best to meet my every need in a timely fashion, even if I had a simple question that required only a phone call or e-mail or if we needed to talk face-to-face.I highly recommend Chris Hildebrand @ Hildebrand Law, PC.
Sam Franchimone
Sam Franchimone
22:09 12 Sep 13

They turn on the charm when they want something. Did your spouse charm the socks off of you when you were wooing, then grow increasingly cold and distant after you were wed? Narcissists are among the most magnetic and persuasive individuals you can ever meet, and when they want something from you, they make you feel special, desirable and fascinating. Alas, the moment a narcissist gets what he wants, he or she moves back to their true focus – themselves — often without any explanation or apology. Even if he or she doesn’t move out, you simply disappear from their radar, leaving you heartbroken and bewildered.

What To Do if You Are Married to a Narcissist

Divorcing a Narcissist in Arizona.

Divorcing a Narcissist in Arizona.

Nothing, other than marrying a narcissist. Nothing is ever their fault. A narcissist spouse is the master of the blame game. If there’s something wrong, they fault everybody and anybody other than themselves, even when it’s clearly a matter within their own control. They never accept responsibility for their own behavior. They don’t show up at your couple’s therapy session – you should have called to remind him or her. He or she smacks the kids – they shouldn’t have made him so angry. He or she gets a speeding ticket – the cop had it in for them. With a narcissist, it is never their fault. In the same vein, a narcissist believes that rules and conventions are for other people, not them, and keeping their word is not a high priority. They borrow things and never return them, break promises to you and the kids, violates established rules – like cutting into the front of the line at the bank or refusing to leave tips – and somehow, throughout, blames you or someone else for it.

Their anger flares frequently. A narcissist sees their spouse and kids as an extension of themselves and they are easily angered if you don’t give them the attention they want, fail to cater to their desires, or disagree with their opinions. Any perceived slights or inattentiveness can result in a tantrum. If your spouse is a narcissist, his or her response to criticism will be extreme – they will either lash out in anger or detach completely. Don’t think this sensitivity works both ways though. Your narcissist spouse will be quick to criticize and judge you. They attempt to make you feel inferior as a form of emotional abuse, which is intended to boost their own ego.

Considering divorce? If you are married to a narcissist, you may think with increasing frequency about ending your marriage. While that decision is one only you can make, be sure to get a good attorney on board before trying to divorce a narcissist.

For tips on how it might go, look for the other articles in this series about divorcing a narcissist, including Divorcing a Narcissist, and Child Custody and Narcissistic Personality Disorders, and Child Support and the Narcissist Parent, Narcissist Divorce Advice, and Choosing a Divorce Attorney Against a Narcissist.

Call us at (480)305-8300 to schedule your personalized consultation with our experienced Phoenix and Scottsdale Arizona divorce attorneys.



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