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Divorce Sucks: Deciding to Divorce in Arizona | Voted “Best of The Valley”

Posted on : May 8, 2018, By:  Christopher Hildebrand
Divorce Sucks: Deciding to Divorce in Arizona.

Deciding to Divorce in Arizona

The Short Answer

The short answer to how to decide to file for divorce in Arizona is to take assessment of your core values, analyze the effect your divorce will have on you, your children, and your friends and family and to determine the level of dysfunction exists in your family and to then decide if filing a divorce will improve the quality of your life and that of your children if you have exhausted all other options and believe your future will be brighter if you choose divorce in Arizona. Read our step by step analysis below to learn about what you should be considering to decide if you should file for divorce.

The Long Answer

Deciding to Divorce in Arizona.

Deciding to Divorce in Arizona.

I am going to tell you that divorce sucks. Plain and simple. We will get into that a little later. The question I would ask any good friend thinking about going through a divorce is what sucks less – staying together or getting a divorce because let’s face it; both options suck. The key is deciding which sucks less and, believe it or not, you begin to see room for improvement in your life. The second important question to ask yourself is who will this also suck for. The obvious answer is your children, but other family and friends will also be affected by the divorce. It will inevitably suck for them as well. Lastly, add some “how much this sucks” values to everyone who will be affected by the divorce and assign a “this sucks value” to each person to the extent you believe it will affect them. Now create your “Super Sucky Divorce Matrix” (yes, I did just say Super Sucky Divorce Matrix) and step back and think about all the different people who will be affected and the extent they will be affected and ask yourself if you should file for divorce.

Now, I am not a psychologist or counselor, but I am a divorce attorney and have had these conversations with hundreds and hundreds of people who were not sure whether divorce was the right decision. I have also gone through a divorce as well, so I know how much it sucks. The truth is that everything is going to suck for some period of time. It is inevitable for whatever decision you make to become a problem for everyone involved. Not making a decision to divorce, which is a decision in and of itself, will have its own problems. Disagreements between spouses will continue to be a problem and you will have to deal with those consequences if you stay married. So will your children and everyone else that is privy to witnessing the problems in a marriage. If you get divorced, you will have a whole new set of problems, including having to co-parent, helping your children adjust to the divorce, dividing all your stuff up (of which you now have 50% less stuff – that sucks!), and paying attorneys to get you through the divorce.

Jennifer, thank you for being my attorney. I could not have been more pleased with the outcome of my family court hearing. Everything you have done for me throughout this case reflects in the final ruling of the judge. You helped me keep my head together and taught me a lot about myself as a person. I learned so much about my life from observing and listening to you. I will take all the advice you gave me to continue taking responsibility for my choices, continue to put the kids' needs first, and always stay truthful. Your diligence, dedication, and persistence in my case made what seemed impossible, possible. You are a wonderful person and an amazing attorney and I am stronger and more confident because of you.
A Google User
A Google User
20:31 20 Sep 17
I just want to again thank the Firm for working with me all that it has. I could not have done anything without everyone's assistance. You, Chris and Stacey have been and continue to provide me with compassion and hard work towards my case. Also a very special thanks to Kip for taking my case in the beginning. Also continued support from him and his dedication to providing me with his expertise in this matter.
A Google User
A Google User
21:41 07 Nov 17
After interviewing several law firms, I came across Jennifer Shick, and her firm, who I hired to represent me for my Family Court case. Jennifer has extensive knowledge of the law and is determined to bring the truth to every issue involved within the case. Throughout my case, Jennifer was prepared meticulously as well as went above and beyond all of my expectations. Even when the other party tried to differ from the truth, lie to the Judge, and turn situations around, Jennifer remained attentive and provided substantial evidence to show the judge the facts as well as the proof to support what was the best interests of my children. Additionally, Jennifer helped me endure many difficult experiences, situations and inspired me to remain positive throughout the entirety of my case. Her kindness, compassion, and professionalism helped me through very difficult times and made the process feel a thousand times lighter on my shoulders. She truly has my children and my best interest at heart and I trust her perspective as well as her honesty on each and every aspect of my case. She lessened the burden on my shoulders and even when I felt like the case was not going to go in my favor, Jennifer was open-minded and reassured me that the Judge would, in fact, see the truth, which he did and the case went in my favor. After nine months of court, everything finally came together. I cannot declare how much Jennifer has been an outstanding attorney. She addressed each and every issue with diligence, she cares about her clients and their families. Jennifer genuinely cares about her clients and her dedication to the details of the case was remarkable. Overall, I am extremely pleased with Jennifer’s services and I am truly thankful that I was so blessed to have her represent my children and me. I highly recommend Jennifer as one of the best attorneys in Arizona and if the situation ever arises, I will definitely have her represent my children and me again.
Google User
Google User
14:58 04 Oct 17
Dear Stacey and Kip, How can I ever thank you enough for helping me through the most difficult time in my life? I couldn't put into words my heartfelt gratefulness. You both were so compassionate and professional at every given moment throughout this process with me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You helped me to regain my freedom.
A Google User
A Google User
16:03 22 Nov 17
I was a client of Attorney Kevin Park for the dissolution of a divorce in 2016. And since I had never had the need to hire an attorney before for any purpose, I was somewhat apprehensive of the process. But the very calm and professional demeanor of Mr. Park eased my fears. He adeptly answered all my questions and I clearly knew the process and what to expect. And the skilled manner he communicated with opposing counsel was perfect. When it came down to negotiating with my spouse’s counsel, I knew I had selected the best attorney for my situation. What I noticed and appreciated was that he was using just the right amount of pressure with opposing counsel as was necessary. If you find yourself in this situation, you will want a seasoned professional like Mr. Park on your side. I'm very grateful that he was my attorney and not the opposition!
A Google User
A Google User
22:14 28 Jun 17
Chris is a smart and aggressive attorney for his clients. Chris always tries to reach a fair settlement of his cases. I’ve represented clients when Chris was the opposing counsel and while he is professional and amicable to work with, he does not back off on what he needs to do for his client
A Google User
A Google User
18:16 18 Sep 17
Kevin Park of Arizona Estate Planning Attorneys was just what I needed for my divorce. He was very approachable and personable. He was quick to recognize what I needed and provided it quickly and efficiently. I hope to never need a divorce lawyer again, but if I know anyone else who does, I will definitely recommend Kevin.
A Google User
A Google User
19:22 23 Aug 17
I feel that Tracey Van Wickler is certainly one of the best family lawyers around. She is logical, intelligent, and truly cares. Tracey always does what is in the clients best interest, does it well, timely and with integrity. She is good at keeping her clients informed as to what is going on and clear in her communication both written and verbally. I have recommended Tracey to other people and will continue to recommend her. I recommended Tracey to someone who was having issues with their ex-wife and his response was, “I know how good she is because I went up against her and she ate me for lunch”. This same person was so impressed with her, he even recommended her to someone else, WOW, that is impressive! I am exceptionally happy with her attention to detail, her ability to explain things in ways that are easy to understand, as well as her ability to keep everyone focused on the most important things. I would recommend Tracey to anyone who may be in need of her services.
A Google User
A Google User
17:44 23 Jun 16
I retained Hildebrand Law after interview a number of firms in the valley. Working with Michael C. was incredibly easy and informative. My case progressed in such a organized and thought out way to ensure that my needs were met. Michael was incredibly proactive and was able to see far ahead into my case to steer clear of some roadblocks. I would not hesitate to recommend Michael Clancy, and Hildebrand Law in general, to anyone.
Bassam Ziadeh
Bassam Ziadeh
21:20 02 Apr 18
I have worked with Hildebrand law for about 8 years. They are always ready to serve, provide guidance and give you a few options. When they provide you options they also take the time to walk you through the pros and cons of each and give you a recommendation of what is best, but will listen to you and support whatever course you choose after making and educated choice. I’d recommend them to my closest friends and feel Chris Hildebrand is now a friend to me.
Larry Flint
Larry Flint
21:53 27 Feb 18
Despite the unfortunate situation I found myself in, Chris Hildebrand @ Hildebrand Law helped me maneuver every step with professionalism, expertise, and even a sensitivity that was an added bonus.Chris and his staff helped me even when I didn't know I needed the help. In other words. . . they made sure we did not leave anything undone. And in the rare instance we needed the expertise of another professional, Chris knew exactly who to recommend.Chris also knew, because of his experience, what to anticipate down the road of litigation. That meant we were better prepared to meet the challenges head on, which lead to a more equitable and fair outcome. I appreciated that Chris did his best to meet my every need in a timely fashion, even if I had a simple question that required only a phone call or e-mail or if we needed to talk face-to-face.I highly recommend Chris Hildebrand @ Hildebrand Law, PC.
Sam Franchimone
Sam Franchimone
22:09 12 Sep 13

So, here it is. Life will suck whether you stay married or get divorced. I know that sounds very pessimistic but hear me out before you start firing comments and emails telling me I am the most depressing divorce attorney who ever lived. It is a simple fact of life that every decision we make has consequences. That is a law of nature. Every good decision and bad decision you make, including whether to get a divorce, will have positive consequences and negative consequences. Let me digress. Ok, let’s say you have always wanted a bright red Ferrari and you finally have the money to buy that Ferrari. That doesn’t sound sucky at all – right? Sure, you will enjoy driving down the street and having everyone looking at you like you are a baller. But, you will also have problems with that Ferrari. Maybe a few speeding tickets, some idiot that wants to drag a key down the side of it because they think you are a tool, a pretty hefty car and insurance payment and likely some expensive repairs down the road. See, any decision we make, whether it is buying a fancy red Ferrari or getting a divorce has benefits and problems. Let’s see what sucks less.

Divorce and Decision Paralysis

So, we have created our “Sucky Divorce Matrix” and are sitting back and staring at it with no idea what to do. In fact, you may be more confused and likely a bit more upset as you focus on all the problems you face whether you divorce or choose not to divorce. This can result in decision paralysis and is something we all do in all aspects of our life. Some are quicker at making decisions than others, but we all do it to some extent. Buy the Ferrari or drive my Camry to work every day? If only there was some magical solution or a crystal ball to make sure you make the right decisions in life, including whether to file for divorce or stay married. Let me offer a suggestion that is going to make you dig deeper than you likely ever have before. The problem is you and we are going to fix that problem. Well, that was a little arrogant. Better stated, you are going to fix you and the answer whether to divorce or not will become more clear.

Defining Our Core Values in a Marriage

So, here it is. We all form certain values that define our personalities and define what works for us and what does not work for us. We do this in our subconscious. Our spouses and children have their own distinct values that define their personalities and what works for them and what does not work for them. In an unhealthy family structure, those values are either nurtured or attacked. As a defense, the spouses and the children all begin to assert specific roles to protect their values and personalities. Let me give you an example. Bob and Mary have been married fifteen years. They have two children, Emma, age 15, and Jack, age 10. From the outside, the family looks idyllic. Bob earns a good living and Mary takes care of all the children’s needs. However, Bob drinks too much and belittles his wife in front of the kids and is sometimes physically abusive. Bob even demeans his own children for not being good enough. In this scenario, what typically occurs is someone is the antagonist (Bob), someone becomes the protector (Mary), someone begins acting out with negative social behaviors such as drugs or alcohol abuse (Emma), and someone acts as if nothing is wrong at all and becomes the proverbial recluse of the family (Jack). These roles can change depending on the family. Maybe Emma steps up and becomes the protector by mitigating the terrible things her father does and Mother becomes the recluse or the person in the family acting out. The truth is that people change roles in families to defend their delicate set of values.

Physical abuse alone is a definite reason to get a divorce and I would suggest that no further analysis needs to occur if your spouse is physically abusive to you or your children. I would rank emotional abuse as high as it damages children during their formative years and is not, by definition, a healthy relationship.

I want to first address the mental health community’s reliance on Positive Psychology. The idea that you can change your problems by focusing on how great things are in your life, well, sucks. It doesn’t work. Not to say that marriage counseling is not a good thing. Quite the opposite, marriage counseling with a qualified counselor can save a marriage, but only if that counselor focuses on what sucks about the marriage and fixing those issues with a real change from everyone involved.

Things to Think About Before Filing Divorce.

Things to Think About Before Filing Divorce.

I would suggest you set the “Sucky Divorce Matrix” aside for a moment and begin exploring your core values. Because it is these core values that are being disrupted enough to cause you to ask the question about whether you should get a divorce or stay married. There is a lot of material available in books and online about discovering your core values. It turns out there are four main key core value sets. These four key core value sets have been categorized as (1) red personalities (2) blue personalities (3) white personalities and (4) yellow personalities. None of us are completely one color of a personality, but your core personality will predominately be one of these four colors. Before you read about the characteristics of these personality types, you should first take a personality test to see what personality is your dominant type.

Once you discover your personality type, start reading about your core values and the values you don’t have but the other personality types do have. Do this for yourself and then try to determine the personality types of your spouse and children. Think about the interactions of the family and how each person interacts on a daily basis. Now, pull out your “Sucky Divorce Matrix”. It is time to do some deep digging.

Is Your Marriage Fulfilling Your Core Values or Attacking Them

Let’s start with you. Is your marriage meeting your core values? Are your social interactions meeting your core values? Is your work meeting your core values? Are the people you work with meeting your core values? You may be wondering why I am mentioning social interactions and workplace interactions. You are the sum total of all the interactions you have. However, some interactions, such as your marriage, should be one of the most rewarding aspects of your life. If you determine your marriage not only fails to support your core values or, worse, is attacking your core values you will not find true happiness in your relationship, with your social interactions, or in your work.

Hildebrand Law, PC | Voted Best of Our Valley in Arizona Foothills Magazine.

Hildebrand Law, PC | Voted Best of Our Valley in Arizona Foothills Magazine.

Now I want you to look at the “Sucky Divorce Matrix” from a different perspective and reconstruct that matrix according to your core values. Think about your spouse meeting those core values, Think about your children, your friends, and your co-workers meeting your core values. Looks pretty good, huh. Well, it is not realistic because you will always have problems. You get a new job and you will have new problems. You get divorced and you will have problems associated with that decision . . . and the list goes on and on and on. But, here is the key, some problems are good problems to have while some problems are bad problems to have in your life. Getting divorced from someone who is abusing you is a good problem. Sure, you will have to divide all of your property and may have less overall income to support your new household, but I would rather have those good problems to solve for my own mental health than being abused by someone who is supposed to love, support and protect me.

I have Decided to Get Divorced | What’s Next

So, you have put in the work and decided if divorce is your best option. Time to file for divorce? Nope. We still have some work to put in before we run down to the courthouse. We now need to turn our focus on everything that is going to happen in the divorce, so we are not taken by surprise. You should consult a qualified divorce attorney to discuss what will happen with the children, the payment of child support and alimony, the division of your assets, and the transition from a one family household to a two family household. Once you have your action plan, you can then file for divorce and get through the process as quickly and effectively as possible.

I want you to know why I wrote this article. It was not to encourage anyone to get a divorce. That would suck and that would make me a very sucky person and out of alignment with my own core values. My intention is never to get someone divorced because I am a divorce lawyer. Nope, not at all. My intention is to save marriages whenever the situation suits the preservation of a marriage but to help people achieve a more fulfilling life if divorce is the alternative necessary to protect you and your children.

Scottsdale Arizona Divorce Attorney.

Scottsdale Arizona Divorce Attorney.

Chris Hildebrand is a divorce and family law attorney at Hildebrand Law, PC. He believes the policies and procedures he uses to get his clients through a divorce should all be guided by the principles of honesty, integrity, and, quite frankly, actually caring about what his clients are going through in a divorce. In short, his practice is defined as not sucking when he represents someone in a divorce in Arizona. He also manages all of the other attorneys at his firm to make sure they don’t suck either. Call us at (480)305-8300 to schedule your personalized consultation with one of our experienced Phoenix and Scottsdale Arizona divorce attorneys today.